Le paradis n'est pas artificiel …

April 16, 2004

Mono No Aware part one

81.08
Calgary
(Memory One)

Pooled out over the width of the world, I will never forget such
peace. I am a shadow breathing; I hold up the sky on my eyes. I am a
bright-beating pulse, with all my limbs bursting out of me.
Me-eyes-only, and life is an explosion of sight. Details are
nonexistent, a bright blur beneath a cottony texture of grey, the
film in the air left by a cigarette. I am a breath. A breath.
Another. The white is soft against my back; gravity grounds me
soft-everywhere.

Me-eyes-only lives in a wobble-realm the size of everything. Walls
and ceiling meet delicately, as though I have been folded into the
heart of a paper box. A rectangle burns in my upper left vision. I
don't like it, but my eyes batter against the glare like moths at a
light bulb. The world is not yet something I can change.

In the distant centre of the room is always My Mother. When I see
her everything in me yearns beyond the soft-everywhere to outwards. A
struggle like a star's twinkling. Her dark hair approaches beautiful,
the hemispheric charcoal smudge left by a thumb. Features emerge in
her approach: plummy eyes and a gentle mouth. The soft material of
all desire.

Then a distortion --- unhappiness --- and the universe trills with
worry. I see another, a Not-Mother, Not-Father, Unfamiliar, and I
don't like it. He has no face but his body makes me afraid. He and My
Mother are in opposition and they have stood there forever; their
arms reach out as if extended in a tango but they are pointing at
each other. Me-eyes-only meets Mother's face turned away
and I feel excited and afraid. This is my first memory
of anxiety --- how could I forget such terror?


Posted by delire at April 16, 2004 09:11 AM
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